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| "Ooh, I just know that something good is gonna happ...." (Pic : via Vimeo) |
At least 30 people have
been killed by wind and rain on British soil in the past five years.
That stands compared to 2 deaths related to terrorism
and 0 deaths resulting from the military actions of a foreign
power.
Standard Anglo-American military doctrine states that if something is killing people, or threatening to kill people, the best response is to blow it up or have enough firepower to deter people from threatening you in the first place.
Following a COBRA meeting, the Ministry of Defence and DEFRA have launched Operation Salience Fallacy – a mission to use the UK's nuclear arsenal to deter the weather from weathering.
Brigadier-General Winchel Facter explained the mission while pointing at a map with a stick, "As always, it boils down to a question of how many inches, and how long it will last.
"I've seen terrible things down the years : grown men being blown into pubs by a gust of wind on their way home from work, garden furniture overturned, even my own brother was killed.
"They keep telling you to wear something bright in bad weather, so he wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers. He was hit by a snow plough.
"A few airbursts of our independent Trident deterrent – subject to American permission - should generate enough heat to evaporate these rainclouds instantly, ensuring clearer skies and brighter conditions. This will provide much needed respite from the rain for ordinary folk, who will be able to continue their normal activities afterwards. Indeed, it won't rain. Well....not for a while....and when it does it'll be black.
"Remember that Kate Bush song, and the video with Donald Sutherland? It'll be like that. The big difference is that when she gets to the, 'Like the sun's coming out. Oooh, I just know that something good is gonna happen....' bit, her flesh - enveloped in the never-ending fire of an atmospheric crematorium - melts away to reveal nothing but a screaming skeleton; a skeleton that endured microseconds of exquisite pain beyond all comprehension.
"Consider it the death metal remix."
A UK Government spokesperson added, "While people stand in their living rooms, knee-deep in flood water and raw sewage, they should take pride in the United Kingdom's investment of countless billions in the ultimate insurance policy to protect its subjects from harm - harm both imaginary and statistically impossible."
I caught up with troops who had been deploying the latest high-tech HM Forces solution in the battle against rain : the SB-1001 Hydro-Reflection Unit.
The commanding officer explained, "At
06:00 hours, the Ministry of Defence and DEFRA decided we had something
better to do than marching up and down the square. This detatchment
were strategically expeditied to facilitate the
deployment of the SB-1001 as part of a community outreach and
engagement programme."
While soliders were busy pissing into the wind by piling sandbags in five inches of water, a car and tree passed by within the swollen river. I asked, "Can't you just pass a law saying you can't build where it floods, plant a few trees, or make these walls next to the river a few feet taller?"
"The community have categorically stated that building bigger defences would ruin their view of the flood and do terrible things to their house prices," they replied. "It makes the case for some sort of insurance policy against the real and immiment danger posed by climate change - measures like nuclear missiles and aircraft carriers - all the stronger.
"Though I suppose in the end it's a political decision what to prioritise to protect the population, not a military one."
In all my dealings, one thought kept popping into my head; why should we trust a government which can't take any practical steps protect us from an aggressive climate with the duty of protecting us from a nuclear attack?
They're willing to spend money to deter threats that might - but probably won't – happen, while at the same time cutting back the budget for those things that will – in the here and now - actually stop people dying completely preventable deaths or seeing their homes and communities destroyed.
As for the rest of us, we don't take Behnaz Akhgar seriously when she says it's going to get a bit windy and wet – advice that, if you live near some rickety old trees or river than constantly floods, might actually save you some grief, even your life.
But we will listen to some crusty old generals, Tory and Labour politicians and Daily Mail columnists saying we need Trident to stop some threat posed by the North Koreans.
Winchel Facter scoffed, "How do you propose we beat the Ruskies then?"
"Do what's worked in the past", I said. "Freedom, democracy, innovation and winning more Olympic medals than them."
While soliders were busy pissing into the wind by piling sandbags in five inches of water, a car and tree passed by within the swollen river. I asked, "Can't you just pass a law saying you can't build where it floods, plant a few trees, or make these walls next to the river a few feet taller?"
"The community have categorically stated that building bigger defences would ruin their view of the flood and do terrible things to their house prices," they replied. "It makes the case for some sort of insurance policy against the real and immiment danger posed by climate change - measures like nuclear missiles and aircraft carriers - all the stronger.
"Though I suppose in the end it's a political decision what to prioritise to protect the population, not a military one."
In all my dealings, one thought kept popping into my head; why should we trust a government which can't take any practical steps protect us from an aggressive climate with the duty of protecting us from a nuclear attack?
They're willing to spend money to deter threats that might - but probably won't – happen, while at the same time cutting back the budget for those things that will – in the here and now - actually stop people dying completely preventable deaths or seeing their homes and communities destroyed.
As for the rest of us, we don't take Behnaz Akhgar seriously when she says it's going to get a bit windy and wet – advice that, if you live near some rickety old trees or river than constantly floods, might actually save you some grief, even your life.
But we will listen to some crusty old generals, Tory and Labour politicians and Daily Mail columnists saying we need Trident to stop some threat posed by the North Koreans.
Winchel Facter scoffed, "How do you propose we beat the Ruskies then?"
"Do what's worked in the past", I said. "Freedom, democracy, innovation and winning more Olympic medals than them."
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